Ashes of what could of been
by Scarlett Eternity
Summary: [One-shot, Kai’s POV] Unable to say it otherwise, Kai writes out his feelings for Karen.


  
  
Ashes of what could've been  
  
Rating: PG   
  
Summary: [One-shot, Kai's POV] Unable to say it otherwise, Kai writes out his feelings for Karen.  
  
A/N: If the title didn't warn you, then let this be your warning: this drips with angst. I'm depressed and writing is my venting point.  
  
Disclaimer: Harvest moon © Natsume. It's obviously not mine, I'm just borrowing a few of the characters for my own dastardly purposes. 

  
The fire is low, the candle beside me is almost a stub, and it's probably almost morning, yet I'm here, with a pencil in these calloused hands, trying to write this letter.  
It must be absolutely perfect.  
  
Lining up the paper and pencil, carefully, gently, I begin to write.  
  
_Dear Miss Karen_  
  
Much too formal.  
  
The pencil eraser dances across the paper as the words dissolved into a dark smudge.  
In frustration, I crumple the letter, only to smooth it out again.   
Paper is a pretty scarce thing here. Not to be wasted.  
The creases leave macabre scars on the paper,  
along with the long black smear of the spent eraser. Proof that even when things are erased, the old,  
less desirable parts still... linger.  
  
_Dear Karen_  
  
I study it for a moment. It will do.  
  
_There's some things I must confess,  
Things I was too cowardly to tell you_  
  
Closing my eyes, I see her emerald eyes, lighting up with a smile, flashing in a rage,  
filled with sadness, with wonder...   
I considered what they would look like when she read this part of the letter. Annoyed? Angry? ...Happy?  
  
Sighing I open my eyes and continue writing.  
  
_I wish things could've turned out differently, that I wasn't such a coward,   
that I admitted my feelings.  
So many what-ifs, I guess I've always been that way._  
  
My father's voice seemed to come to me then.  
Especially when he drank, then he would go to the point of violence  
But he didn't need physical to be abusive.  
Perhaps long after the marks on my back and face had healed,   
the scars on my soul were still intact, no matter how hard I tried, his voice was there mocking me.  
I doubt those will ever heal, they were still buried too deep.  
Everywhere I went a shadow was soon to follow  
  
_Do you remember the time we danced under the stars?  
Everyone had gone home from the festival, but you didn't want to stop dancing,  
Or the first time I saw snow, and the time...   
...so many happy times we spent together _  
  
I remembered those times. So clear, always in the back of my memories, I'd convinced myself I was dreaming, how could it be real?  
You were kind to me then... Much too kind.  
  
_I wished I'd had more time, more courage to say what I felt  
And that things had turned out differently,   
Every minute it feels like I'm dying,  
It's getting harder to breathe  
To not think about you,  
I'm a weak person, I always have been  
If only I'd been stronger,  
If only..._  
  
So many "if only's" So many times I should have changed and didn't, and now...  
I've lost everything.   
Now I am changing,  
Now it's too late.  
  
The candle has gotten even lower. Wax drips down it's sides, like ivory tears.  
Raining down...  
  
Drip.  
  
Drip.  
  
Drip.  
  
I stare at it, completely transfixed.  
It's reminiscent of all the tears, that so many have cried  
.   
Mother, Karen, the mistress, me.....  
  
My breath caught in my throat as I wrote the next paragraph  
the feelings threatened to over come me,  
tears long hidden almost spilled over,  
but I was able to hold them back.  
  
_I know that you love him and that we could never be,  
and even though it's tearing me in two,  
I wanted you to know that I'm happy,  
I'm happy that you're happy.  
And even though it hurts to say this,  
You've changed me for the better,  
I'm stronger because I loved you  
And I'd like to thank you for that   
  
Love,  
Kai._  
  
The deed has finally been done.   
It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.  
  
Almost Ceremonially, I smooth out the finished letter one last time, looking it over.  
Smudged, creased, and filled with heartfelt words.  
  
_Words better left unspoken._  
  
I smile.  
  
Then almost hypnotically I walk towards the fireplace, releasing the letter from my hands.  
It swoops gracefully in the air, like a bird in flight, then lands in the fireplace.  
Slowly the edges blacken and curl inwards, fire engulfs it, and I watch till nothing is left.  
Except ashes. Ashes of what could of been.  
  
Like in a dream, I walk outside.  
  
A blanket of snow covers the countryside, and silence is so deep, it's almost suffocating.  
Snowflakes fall about me.  
  
I open my hand, and a single flake falls into the palm of my hand.  
Almost on reflex, I close it.   
Feeling the cool wetness on my bare skin, the wispy cloud of my breath....  
And I realize that I don't want to be anywhere else.  
This place, had become home to me.  
And frankly, I don't believe that I could live anywhere else.  
I look up to the sky, and see familiar constellations, the same stars I've been staring at since childhood.  
Scintillating silver lights, fixed in the night sky.  
  
I know that in the fireplace is ashes of what could of been, everything I should have said, but by the time I put it into words, it was too late.  
Inside that letter was a tribute to my own cowardliness.  
  
But no more.  
  
This is my home now, and I'm not going to run away, even though I've lost Karen, the girl I loved, I will still live.  
I look up to the sky one last time before I go inside, one hand already on the door.  
The smooth metal embraces it, taking all bodily heat, but I don't care,  
my mind is transfixed upon what is happening above.  
A shooting star passes overhead.  
I watch it, but don't make a wish.  
I'm tired of wishing upon a star.  
I've decided to turn dreaming in for reality.  
  
I've learned that some things never come true...  
  
...But then again, some things do.  
  
A/N: Thank you for reading. ^^  
Reviews are much appreciated. Especially constructive criticism.  
Sorry if it seems to stilted, and I probably should have elaborated on the letter, but oh well.  
As I said, this was just venting for me....  



End file.
